Miniature Horse Breeding & Development Specialist
6/22/2015 Divorce Hits
Wow! I don't even know where to start here. I'll try to keep this short, and concise. For the past 2 or so years, my wife started talking about a separation. After reading about it, I kind of realized that separation, very rarely ended with reconciliation.
For the past two years, I started reading every book and website that I could about how to save your marriage. I learned lots of things that I've done wrong in my life, yet it seemed that her mind was made up, and her heart was hardened to me. She has been hurt so much, that I understand why she won't go to any marriage counseling of any kind. Owning a business, and working with your spouse is a difficult thing to do, if it's not done properly.
The stress of money, along with children, and life in general, and that fact that I put more importance on those things, rather than my relationship with her has taken it's toll. I was not tender with her, I didn't affirm all of the good things she did, and I treated her harshly. I actually treated her more harshly than our employees, but I treated her more like an employee than my wife. I didn't realize that she was so unhappy, and she did not communicate with me, in a way that made me understand how serious this was.
Having to control a business, and employees, I became more of a machine, working hard, and stressing over all of the details and responsibilities of business, and trying to support my family. I didn't hear or see her pain, and ignored it for years and years. Simple disagreements turned into arguments, and became personal, and I felt that I was the one who was right, and needed to win, at all costs. And now I've paid dearly for those wins. I've paid the ultimate cost for my marriage, and the 1 true love of my life, who I've been with for about 40 years. I've also paid the ultimate cost for my family. It will be split up, and the two adult kids, still living with us, along with the 2 minor kids, will now have 2 homes, and will not have a mother and a father who are together. In some ways I suppose this will be better, because they won't be subject to the constant arguing, and disagreements.
I would rather work through all the pain and suffering, and learn how to do things right, and keep our marriage and family together. I don't like giving up. What hurts the most is that my wife feels that the things I've done, were all part of a plan, to manipulate, and control her, and in my reality, they were not. They were done through ignorance, and in not understanding much about women, and how differently men and women think. Although I've learned a lot and have been humbled by my failures, she is so closed down to me, that I can't even show her the things that I've learned, and I can't prove to her, the way I've always felt, and treat her the way that I always should have, because there is too much anger, and mistrust. If I could go back in time, I would have done several things different. The biggest one would have been to run this business by my self, with employees, and let her do what she wanted to do in life that made her happy.
If she wanted to be involved in the business, we should have had clear guidelines of what her responsibilities were, and what mine were, so that we could have acted mostly independent of each other, where we weren't bumping heads so frequently. I still love my wife very much, and don't want the divorce to happen. She is the smartest, wisest, most intuitive, most beautiful woman I've even seen, even after 40 years, and she's the best mom, most caring and loving wife, best helper, best friend, sweetest, kindest, most unselfish, and hardest working person I've ever known. I failed to see her wisdom, and disregarded her abilities, and thought that I had to be the boss, and the ruler of the home, and of the marriage. For quite some time now, I've realized that everything that I thought was so important, was not. And the things that I didn't value, were the things that all the money in the world, couldn't buy. I thought that after 40 years, this would never happen to us, and I knew we had issues, but to me, they weren't bad enough to make either of us want a divorce. Boy was I wrong!
Here's my advise to all men out there. If you are Christian, forget about the Wives obey your husbands, and Men, love your wives like God loved his church verse. I think that was the single most damaging thing to her, and to me. She felt that she had to put up with everything I said or did, and I thought that was a free pass to do anything that I wanted to do. I thought I had to be the Man, and the Ruler of the family, and of her, and I was completely wrong.
When those verses were translated, the true words of Jesus were more like, Women love and submit to your husbands, and Husbands, love and submit to your wives. It was supposed to be equal, but in the 1600's in some parts of the world, women were pretty much property of their husbands, so the translations of the bible were steered into those types of meanings. Lastly, I know what would have prevented this from happening to me, and I think it would prevent many divorces. All men need to do this simple thing. Every week, no matter how busy you are, or what is going on in your life. Sit down with your wife, get rid of all distractions, look into her eyes, and ask her how she feels, and if she still loves you, and is OK with you.
Ask her if you are doing anything that makes her feel bad. Ask her if there is anything that is burdening her, or hurting her that you can help her with. Feel her, touch her, and tell her that you care about her happiness. I ignored everything, and most men do. They feel that when their wife complains, they are just angry, and they go into defensive mode, and take it as a personal attack. All I needed to do was to feel her pain, and correct my actions, and this probably wouldn't be happening to me. Once they make up their minds, and get to the end of their rope, it is almost impossible to go back in time.
This isn't the way I wanted my company history to end, but I felt like it was part of the story, and that by telling it, I can help others avoid the mistakes that I made, and they won't have to suffer like my wife did, and like I am ultimately doing now.
I am struggling to run this business. I'm making mistakes, and am having a hard time keeping up with things. My 2 adult kids are helping me, but without my wife Mary, who was my best helper, and my best friend and companion, (although I wasn't that to her much), and my partner in the business, and in my life, I am devastated, and trying to move on and forget her, but it's the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life.
Here's an update on our divorce. Our home has sold, and we've now gone our separate ways. All 4 kids, 2 minors, and 2 adults, wanted to come with me. She offered to take our 13 year old with her, and wants to have full, or shared custody with only him.
She's actually living with another man now. She says that he's just a friend, and that she's paying rent. I asked her about what the Bible says about the, "Appearance of Sin", and she didn't answer me. I also asked her what his neighbors must have thought was going on, when she pulled up in her truck, and trailer, and started moving in with him.
I suppose that someday I'll find out what's happening, and what the truth is, but for now, I have no idea what she's doing, and I suppose it's none of my business.
Thank you, and God Bless.
Top Monteego AMHA - AMHR - ICHR
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